3.01 Reversals of Fortune

A.K.A. Third Season Stinks from the Beginning

Cough, cough... I'm not biased. I was faithfully hoping for something spectacular, I'm not the one to blame if they could only deliver cheap drama.

This picture represents a fabulous New Yorkish scenary much like Sex and the City. Don't be fooled, Gossip Girl is only 10% of the time like that.

Gossip Girl insists on going too fast. Arc after arc, every one of them more fantastic and unreal than the precedent. And everything is colourful. Why can't the rich kids ever go to a dark alley in the City in a storyline about drug abuse? Rather, they get in a crazy trip to Santorini no one even gets to see.
Come on. The show doesn't even portray the lifestyle of millionaire bitches such as Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Kate Moss etc. We see no crack, no cocaine, no badass dealers (not like Kevin Volchok please, we so don't need that artificial shite), no overdoses (flashback does not count), no DUI, no sex tapes. Actually, the only thing we got up until now was Jenny stealing Hazel's mother's Valentino.
But come to think about it, with Josh Schwartz on board failure was inevitable. The O.C., his masterpiece, is the most fake though boring television series till this date. Why should we expect any different with Gossip Girl? Err... Because he had a fucking guide previously written and quite successful called Gossip Girl, the book series. He could at least preserve the same fucking pace. Don't get me wrong, I think the books suck, but they're realer and slower.
So that's what I wish for Gossip Girl this season! That it gets dark and slow. And rid of Vanessa.

Since not even Gawker wants to recap Gossip Girl anymore, let's just tally points like everybody else. The episode sucks, so it's not like we could give them props anyway.

How much does Gossip Girl antics get under your skin?

4% Chuck and Blair little RPG could be hot, if it wasn't childish. And since Blair doesn't really enjoy it, it's abusive.
6% They gave Nate another stupid romantic storyline! If they really want to rewrite Nathaniel Archibald, they need to stop giving him isolated storylines. He needs to be integrated in another character's plot.
5% Serena is the character with the more unbelievable storylines. Supernova? She's superinternational and superdumb. Couldn't she stay local and be a little funny?
1% Westwick is still histrionic.
2% Carter, one of the only characters I thought could provide a great arc, is completely out-of-character.
35% Vanessa is still there, speaking weirdly, like she's enumerating something. I could forgive any other flaw in the script, but her existence. That's how much I HATE her. Plus, she walks like a man.

Awright, I will give some kudos:

• Dan has became a playboy.
• Serena admoesting Blair. Thank goodness.
• Though Scott was born, literally, from a crappy storyline, he's OK.

Still, Gossip Girl's premiere annoyed me 53% of the time. I'd say it's too much for an average episode. One can foresee it will get much worse.
XOXO.

Off with Vanessa's head

If you want Vanessa to share Aaron Rose's fate, vote:

Write off Vanessa

You know the writers kind of do not care at all for online petitions no one is signing, BUT it's still fun.

Dear writers of Gossip Girl. As ardent Gossip Girls fans we are PLEADING that you remove the character of Vanessa Abrams from the show. We do not like her character, we right down violently dislike it. She is pointless in our eyes and the more you keep her the more we're hating her. Please stop trying to make her more liked with these crazy storylines, just please remove her. Bring in someone fresh, interesting and NOT hypocritical. Her presence is ruining a lot of our viewing enjoyment of the show. We started out being able to just stand her, ignore her if necessary. Yet, recent events have cause us to HATE her with a passion. From her manipulating ways to always judging and never admitting to fault. From the situation with Jenny, to Serena and Dan, to Nate and now the final straw being Chuck. STOP IT! PLEASE TAKE VANESSA OUT!

2.25 Goodbye Gossip Girl

I was feeling sad
Can't help looking back
Highways flew by
Run, run, run away
No sense of time
Want you to stay
Want keep you inside

You can tell Jesus that the bitch is back*.

It has been a while.

What a weak season finale! It felt like any other poorly written episode out of the season collection.
There was one thing alone that felt right, Gossip Girl's own overview of the fantastic five antics throughtout the season.
Other than that, it was really, really lacking. It had nothing of the old days and certainly wasn't up to rival the season 1 finale. It's like I always say, Gossip Girl is addictive, but it sucks.

Nate Archibald: Class whore. Dan Humphrey: The ultimate insider. Chuck Bass: Coward. Blair Waldorf: Weakling. Serena van der Woodsen: Oficially irrelevant.

My biggest disappointment was Blair.
Blair and Chuck are everybody's favourite characters, favourite couple. It's already a tiresome, redundant cliché. Let's not go there... for now.
What I mean is - Blair has become this dumb and pathetic person. A weakling. Though if she was just a coward, uncapable person, it would be natural for her age. You're allowed to feel weak, alone against the world. You know, my whole world is falling apart. One could sympathize. But now - she is still on this selfdepreciative path. What the fuck is wrong with her? I actually hate her when she does that. She has stripped for him over 50 times expecting him to say ILY back! Does it make any sense? It is painful to watch.
I'm sure people are quoting her as though it was a romantic gesture of desperation; making icons; calling her a heroine.
I think she is completely out of character and even offensive.
I don't care if the world disagrees, that's what I think, that's how I've been feeling since episode 5 and I am really upset right now.

The apocalypse they intented to create with the war Serena declared against GG was so incredibly badly written that no one was even enticed by the prospects of knowing - not who is Gossip Girl - but what our fabulous crust knew of her. We could be interested, but the script wasn't inspiring at all.

Jenny's little coronation? One word: contrived.

Enfin, it's imperative that we address the V problem.
There wasn't a single recap of this episode in which the author didn't trash Vanessa somehow. But that's just because she deserves.
And you know what? I'm tired of having to apologize to all Jessica Szohr fans only because I hate her character. Drop it. I hate it, I loathe it. I really am through with Vanessa plaguing this series! You're entitled to like this contemptible character, that's up to you. But everytime someone says a word against Vanessa on a forum, there's a luminous ray of light who replies "Jessica Szohr is nice", "Jessica Szohr is beautiful". OK, mate, I don't care. I'm not talking about JS, I'm talking about VA. But, since you brought that up, I am not willing to put up with Vanessa in order to keep JS employed.

Oh, and Chuck did say I love you back. Yeah, it is a big deal. It's just that... that scene was awful.

Gossip Girl: lousiest piece of shit.
Congratulations, now you have my diploma.

* I wasn't gonna say that, but then I totally did.

The Truth about Gossip Girl

From Gawker:

If this all sounds a bit too harsh, it probably is, because who really cares. But my beef is this. Clearly a lot of time is spent on coming up with zingy one liners that everyone is hoping will become pop culture catchphrases and notable quotables. Sometimes those lines land really well! But most of the time they just seem meant to distract from the huge, gaping, stupid plot holes and bad storytelling. If the writers spent half as much time actually writing the script as they do coming up with stupid designer clothing puns, I think we'd have a much better show on our hands. Ugh. I'm sorry. I'm ruining your special day, Gossip Girl! It's your graduation! Let's sit down for the ceremony.

Supporting the actress

Vote for Blair
for Chuck is a douche.

Archibald's a lucky man

Has anyone been spoilt with the pictures already?
The rumour has been around for a while now, for about 4 or 5 episodes. And since this series is more about the buzz and real gossip than the scripted episodes, we have to comment on the new fic fact for a change.
I think it's great.
They're both pretty, he's kind of a Vanderbilt and Vanessa is bound to suffer. All sides are bright; plus, I'm really tired of Chuck. Chuck and Blair as a couple doesn't work for me anymore, at least for now. And since I'm such a Blair fan, I don't care for Chuck's plotlines at all, so he may as well be written off the next five episodes.
I believe this romance is the perfect opportunity for Nate to redeem himself, but we all know how it's going to end - like every other plotline this season, it will just be dropped in a two episodes span.

2.17 Carnal Knowledge

No one liked Chuck's plotline yesterday.
No one likes Vanessa. Ever.


That's all.

2.16 You've Got Yale

I am not gonna watch this episode. Maybe some day by the end of the season.
My reasons are mostly that: I've had enough of this insane Yale fantasy; I've had enough of Lily; I've had enough of Chuck being a smarmy purple dwarf and an idiot; I've had enough of that horrible character known as Vanessa; and I don't think neither the writers nor the demographic understand anything about opera, or even opera houses, for that matter.
So I'm saving myself.

Next week: Vanessa knows it all. Since the producers think not many people like her and they have to, they go all condescending as usual and she, the prettiest, smartest, most inteligent and coolest girl of the series [she's the complete opposite of it all, but they didn't get the memo] will intrude Chuck's life, along with Nate, and make it better with all rainbow's colours. Chuck, as the smug idiot he is, will receive her open arms and the writers will be winking at us in a "they will hook up eventually" way. And you are bound to love [don't purge!] Vanessa by the end, because, after all, that's all they want.

Gee! How cool! I can't wait!

Sticking my middle finger up with regards to the producers,
XOXO.

2.15 Gone with the Will

People told me of this episode's awfulness so many times that I, contrary to reason, began to be keen on the possibility of watching. Because I wasn't really that interested, I'm a fickle fan. Which is kind of sad, for I liked last week's a lot, but no good episode is going to erase the SHAMEFUL sensation I got from this entire season.

The only thing bound to make me real chipper is Vanessa dropping off. Off of Manhattan, off the series, off of television. As always, Vanessa equals to the quantity of sucks 1.5.

Hey boys, hey girls, super siamese twins, here we go! The episode begins with the characters making a boring entrance. Lily and Rufus are totally gonna do it and eventually get back together after a few predictable twists. Jenny likes the idea because Lily is rich and just gained 20% share of the Bass Industries, so maybe she gets rich too if her poor, poor father gets to marry the wicked for the rest. You know what this storyline sums up to be? Lame. It's so dramatic and uncool. For once, Serena seems to have lit a bulb of light over her head. Of course it will burn burn her roots later, but it is just like Clueless! I thought about it just the past week. Alas, these are the days of our lives. We'll smell this crappy SL later.

Lemme see, what else's lame this week? Oh, yeah, Blair. Blair who loves Chuck so much that is willing to sacrifice who she is for him. Let me tell you, I am not willing to sacrifice this character for him. She's miserable all the time. And just not a teenager.
Just like Blair, Chuck is a lame persona, driving his OTP with said fictional girl to a halt. And yes, he wears too much purple, too much glitter, too much Carson-like stuff. It was okay when he wore those gay bow ties and our very dear scarf, but they pushed him over the edge, and, guess what, he fell. All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Chuck together again.
Actually, I hope they can.

By the way, Chuck is ahead of the company, not Hot Uncle Jack, as the latter expected. They become privy to the information through a insanely blunt letter from the deceased, which is also an attempt to soft Chuck's grief by saying that Bart gave a shit about him. Nice.

Eric is facing a real teenage issue for a change. Jenny's hair looks nice, she's a pretty little thing when she's not annoying me. But she's annoying Eric, because she doesn't have any other friends. She needs to get along with Blair ASAP.

On one hand, I wish Blair, Nate and Chuck could have light plotlines centered about fashion, school, college and gossip. Rather than offscreen deaths, wills and lost children. On the other, I wish these moments could be combined with noir ones. Couldn't Blair destroy someone for good? Couldn't she actually destroy Vanessa's life in New York and escape unscathed? Why can't they be mean to people they don't love? They're always vicious to the ones they do. I want blood. You know, normal and noir, instead of superdrama at full speed.

The Plastics miss Blair as much as I miss old Blair. Luckly, I know she'll be back by the end of the episode, so let's move on.

Now, to the biological parents tracking down their missing kid. Ain't this the biggest cliché they pulled till this moment? Schwavage are offending us one too many times. Lily is disgusting. As beautiful as Kelly Rutherford is, Lily isn't a teenager. I don't want to see her so much. Gosh, another waste of prime time. It's so boring. I don't care for any fraking spin-off, nor for her young years half a century ago, not for her infamous nowhere to be seen son. It's a stupid plot dragging itself over the eppies. I feel a little sorry for Serena having to cope with her mother. At least Eric is there to raise her. He's so cute he should be Blair's brother.

Since I was getting a bit tired of having to look at Lily, I decided to go try on some new clothes, with my back to the screen, when suddenly I hear that obnoxious voice. Yes, it's her, the evil troll from Brooklyn. Sans Nate, shopping for some hard candy.

Back to Blair (and Chuck, since they became one single entity), I don't want Bass with anyone else, but I wouldn't mind Blair being fun again. Like when she partied a bit and pretended to be stoned. She has the right to have a secret superfun statutory-rape-ish affair with Jack!Sperm. Her ridiculous verbal sex with Chuck in the sweaty episode, and Darena being so icky, earns us the right to enjoy this new possible rendezvous.

What is Jenny doing at the brunch? And her hair went back to being ugly. Dan and Serena share a sibling. That's so silly. Ha, ha.

"You don't think I thought about him all the time 24/7 over the last 300 years I lived through slaughtering virgins to keep my beauty?", asked the Wicked Mater. Er... NO! We don't. You didn't. Who the hell thought that inserting this line would make any sense at all? I admit she would say something like that, but the story should prove she's a selfish bitch who thinks too high of herself; instead, the episode tries to convince us that she's a good mother and a loveable character. Well, she's not anymore!
I came up with the perfect plotline for Lily after all this. She should check into rehab again for the rest of the season. And we shouldn't get no scenes at all with her. Only passing mentions like "Lily was hitting the bong a lot less by Easter".
As for Vanessa, she needs to die in a hole right now. She already lives in one, so her body should be found in CSINY.

So, Jack betrayed Chuck and I still can't help but give him kudos. Where did all my Chuck love go? To hell, possibly by the minute he reacted to the accusation of being a ninfo by responding that he can make a sex round last long, yet again. And yes, Blair. He spit the wife word because he doesn't love you right now nor does he plan on marrying you ever.

Thank goodness for Blair stop pining for Chuck! I heard about it before I watched and I felt so relieved. Quite frankly, to this point, I only bear with Chuck because he's the closest thing to the ultimate female fantasy of the witty bad boy with high social status that falls in love with our favourite girl. But it seems as he'll always be the dirty boy with a monkey on his shoulder. Blair can do better, but we know she will not.

Altogether, I feel SO, SO sorry for the family that adopted the child with no name. Stop harassing people, Wicked One.

2.14 In the Realm of the Basses

I thought you put me in rapture

I never asked you to dump her
Thought you knew we'd have a high life
Paraparaparapapah

And still I see
Your philosophy
Falling through my tainted mind
Would you dig my dirt?
Cos I'm so desperate
Can't you see you're wasting time?
I failed to tell you, to tell you now

"So, was this week's episode good for you too?", asked my dear friend.
"Haven't watched it yet. I'm too focused on replaying Veronica Mars these days. Was it any good?" I wanted to know, all weary.
"It was pretty much like when we watched No Country for Old Men. At first, you can't say it's good, but as the dust settles, it seems more than okay. There's no Vanessa and it's all about CB", she said, trying to entice me.
Of course I perked up. Maybe Vanessa is also dying in an off-screen car accident as we speak.
"And it plays I'm Not Cool", adds my friend, catching all my attention and excitement at once.
So I decided to take a chance on an unknown episode.

That I've been fooled
Cos I'm not cool
And the scissors slide
Away with my pride

Speeding down a dead-end track
I wanted you, there's no way back
Got a destructive appetite
Paraparaparapapah

I planned on being really bitter over 2.14, but I toned down the craze once I saw the clothes and the colours. Gossip Girl always gets better when it gets chilly, if the last episode was any indication. Plus, I like Uncle Jack already. All Basses are all good.
Ooh, Dan and Serena are back together and Gossip Girl is being bitchy about it. It feels so incredibly right. As boring as it can get, it's still right. Dan and Serena, Dan and Serena, wooo! Finally the incest SL is upon us. Bring it on.
Whatever is going on with Lily's hair and makeup, it's not helping her I-didn't-kill-Bart case. She just looks like she did it.
So this is how they redeem Jenny, huh? How... expected. But I still like it for many reasons. One of which is that Jenny gets better and Vanessa gets uglier, which means Vanessa has great chances of dropping off the face of the earth and Jenny getting Nate back. Not that I care for who Nate smooches, as long as it's not the Obnoxious One.
Blair's place in all that makes sense. And she'll never leave high school behind, hopefully, she'll boss people around for ever. But isn't Eric really the wise one? He really knows everything. You must kick somebody when they appear to be down.
Chuck is smoking hash and I'm so proud of him. He's whispering a little less and smoking, all at the same time!
Serena, after a one episode delay, realizes Chuck has a problem, and she's all so helpful.
Annoy, tall blonde one! Annoy like the wind!
Chuck's big Oops, at last, was a very good scene. Kudos for the director.
All in all, great, great episode. I regained my faith.

"I am satisfied", I stated matter-of-factly to my friend, when the episode ended.
"Good", she begun, "but I, for one, am a pessismist. I bet next week they're gonna bring the bastard, Dan and Serena will be left in the vacuum, and Vanessa will appear".
Gee. Scary much? Anyway, we'll soon find out.

BTW, people in Argentina must be really upset right now. If Serena went to Australia, would we view pictures of her playing with kangaroos? Lousy!

Gossip Girl's The Soup material

He's starting to slightly resemble David Caruso. Red wig him and ya ready to go!
I say this out of love (not really), but...

Westwick, stop whispering, for fuck's sake, you IDIOT!
[Chandler cries in the background] You're ruining moving day!

Now, you, you Joel McHale, I love deeply with all my heart *thumbs up*

Spoilers before Christmas

I'd wish you a happy Christmas but there's so much Vanessa in this post that... UGH! You've been warned. Jessica Szohr is living up to her character, popping up everywhere, her promotion is getting worse than Vitaminwater placement.

Here's Kristin's scoop.

Kelly in Manhattan: What's the next shocker coming up on Gossip Girl in the new year?

There's a storyline coming that's so dirty, even Jessica Szohr was surprised about it: "They can do that?" If it's above and beyond what we've seen so far, it must be good.

Samantha in Los Angeles: More Gossip Girl please!
The Gossip kids are getting downright dirty in the sexy secret society kind of way. Jessica Szohr spills, "They're doing a little thing like Eyes Wide Shut, which is kind of cool and interesting." Knowing Chuck, he will definitely be one of the men behind the masks.

Lori in Fitchburg, Wis.: I just heard that there's a new episode of Gossip Girl called "You've Got Yale"—does this mean that all of the kids are going to, uh, Yale?
Actually, I'm told that our fave Upper East Siders will go to three different colleges next year. Any guesses about who goes where? They'd better not separate Bluck! (Or Chair for that matter.)
[Vanessa should go to a waitresses college in Paris and never come back]